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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.