Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.