Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.