Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
i want to work in this restaurant
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.