Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]