#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA