When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”