everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe