To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You Might Also Like
technically true but not a great slogan
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Maths meets science
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Shortcut
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”