Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Stop sending me this shit.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors