My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*