[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
You Might Also Like
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT