My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it