“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
my proudest tweet
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.