Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets