Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.