i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”