Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”