Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sniffing the broccoli
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads