The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
asked my bf how work was today
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Is fake venison called venisn’t