Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The best shot in the history of golf
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman