Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.