[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.