You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff