Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”