Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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Anyone want a chair?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
mood
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it