Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You Might Also Like
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
choose your gary
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…