JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You Might Also Like
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.