Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”