Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on