The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG