My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.