Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I love wikipedia
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How all things should be taught/explained.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone