“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.