Schrödinger’s Dumpster
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.