A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Planet of the Apps.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me, in DM rooms…
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
You better watch out
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Miscakes