Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.