*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica