My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
You Might Also Like
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.