Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth