I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Holy moly
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
<- sleeps well with others
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”