My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg