When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.