Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
my fav colour is also hitler
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen