PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.