No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Never ghost your hitman.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks