Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You Might Also Like
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge