I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You Might Also Like
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I put the mess in domestic.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.