*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Merica.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
looks legit
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.