Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
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My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Damn he played himself
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels